There is something that we don’t talk about. There is something that doesn’t get attention. There is something that you don’t know walking into the military life.
I met Adam in civilian life. We lived houses down from each other for a while. I was getting started in my career and Adam seemed stuck in a life he didn’t necessarily want to be in. So once we got further into our relationship, I asked him what he wanted to do with his life. He brought up the military on more than one occasion, so I encouraged him to live his dream! Don’t settle into a life you don’t want. He told me it would mean some time away and if he had to do deployments we wouldn’t be able to speak for a while. I knew slightly what he meant, my dad and mom had been through it, I watched my uncle live it and I thought it would be something I could handle.
Soon enough he was off to basic and he didn’t have his phone. We could write letters. They were typically long and pretty frequent but I was still missing him like no other. I kept thinking we just have to get through basic. Well we did and then it was off to North Carolina for Adam and I was stuck at our “home” which was 2.5 hours away from my family. To me it SUCKED. I was stuck in a deep sadness all the time and was overwhelmed at work and couldn’t shake the feeling that I needed to be with him. So on a whim I applied to a CVS near him and proceeded on a whirl wind move to North Carolina without actually having orders to be there and we WEREN’T even married. I just knew it was what I needed.
Once I got here I was on my own for a month or so, meaning I set the entire house up myself. I put away every single plate, bowl, serving dish, utensil. Everything we had, I had to sort through it alone. I had to pick the spot where everything would sit, alone. I had to design our first real house together, alone. It was not what I pictured for our “first” home together. I always pictured like it is in the movies where you both decide where you want the coffee pot or if the pots and pans go in the cabinet next to the oven or above it. Or if you want a rug in the living room or not. Slowly it felt as if the house had transformed from “our” house to “my” house once again. And it hurt.
Then he finally came home and was home for a couple of months. At this point I had placed everything where I wanted and done the work myself to get it there. So things were tense between us because Adam felt like he was living in someone else’s house. Which he kind of was, because it had transformed into my house. We were able to sort it out mostly but we knew something needed to be different. So with our recent wedding we tried to pick out new everything. So that despite the times Adam is gone, he can come home still feeling like the house is ours because we still chose the things together.
But that’s the thing with the army, he’s always gone doing things. Staying a few nights in the field here or there or pulling guard shifts or doing truck runs in the middle of the night. It’s a never-ending job where I’m left at home holding down the fort. It becomes hard to pass the buck when he gets back. You get used to being in charge and then he’s supposed to come home and be in charge. When your home calling the shots and making the decisions because you can’t wait 4 or 6 hours for him to text you back or he hasn’t gotten the messages even because of crappy reception or his phone died and there is no way of charging. Which has happened way too many times to count. It gets hard to let him come home and run the show.
This life isn’t about the 1 month a year he’s gone for training it’s about the 50/50 time you share him with the army and have to stand alone or go to church alone or take care of animals or children alone. It’s about never feeling whole for a good portion of your life while you’re allowing him to follow his dreams. It’s about break downs in communication while he’s home because you can’t communicate well while he’s gone. It’s about the times you are out with people but really just wanna be at dinner with him or at the concert with him. It’s about missing out and missing home and being lonely a lot.
It’s about wanting to go home and knowing you can’t leave your husband. And I’m not the only one.
THIS is the secret no one tells you because it’s too hard to share. THIS is the hardships that every spouse goes through but can’t bring herself to talk about. THIS is the reason why a lot of marriages in the military don’t last. THIS is the reason it’s so crucial to reach out to anyone and everyone and try to create a temporary family here. Otherwise you won’t survive. Otherwise you lose yourself to the darkness. to the sadness. to the depression. to the anxiety. to the loneliness. And it becomes unbearable.
THIS is the military wife life, and that’s why you have to be strong.
Then It Doesn't 